Eternal Optimist!

26thAugust 2013

And I am back…suffering from what we call a writers block,Now am seriously thinking of being active on the blogging front!

From Fashion to food,from sentiments to sex,Life for me has always been interesting…

I have been a confused soul well rather more of a determined Soul I would say..I have always wanted the thing I loved the most..I always had a very single minded focus on the things I have desired resulting in the ups and downs,losses and  gains…

My attraction for the life full of independences and life filled with choices have had certain repercussions….

From shopping only in the A++ categories to skipping one meal due to finances,I guess I  had gone through  a multi experiences of black and white motion movie to Technicolor pictures!

2013 had started in a very dreamy note.I had love,a sea view rented appt and a bank balance to eny…

Mid 2013 I am single,have heavy debts and moved from my flat to a sharing accomdation…

Never having used a public transport much in Bombay,forced to travel in the rickshaws and taxis,it had been tough but nevertheless on survives…

From dining in Tajmahal’s sea lounge to not having money to buy meals…….I really got a taste of how the other side lives!

Still I thank god for each passing moment ( Well Not exactly) I am not actually religious.These days I talk to my angels more than the so called existent Deities!!

Yeah I haven’t  changed my this belief ,When I was eighteen to now am twenty eight I believe in my guardian Angels.

I write to them,I speak to them and when  in doubt I prefer their help…

May be some part of me has suffered a lot but the “I” in me is still alive,is still positive and I still believe that this is not how my story will look!

Things have to fall in place…My lips will get smile back and my heart would sing One day!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah and I am accurate when I usually mention in my resume An eternal Optimist!

I couldnt sleep last night!!!

Life is quite unpredictable when it comes to me and Writing gives me a window to express my incoherent thoughts and dilemma that I find myself in!
At times you need to choose,There is always a choice involved which shapes up the path ahead..As I find myself in continous struggle to constantly prove to myself that I too am capable...
But there comes a time when all is lost...each passing moment is nothing but a painful reminder of a Life which could have been mine...Each day another struggle...
Yesterday was one of those days..I felt cheated..I felt as if the world had crashed and The person whom I have started loving had just let me down...
Yes It happens when you Hero Worship someone but then that someone refuses to even acknowledge, it hurts!
Emotions play havoc and that  imbalance occurs...Today is not a weekend but I am sitting alone in my flat not going to work and writing just to vent my feelings..
Writing always gives me strength and provides an escape from the harsh reality..
As I searched his face for some remote support I saw none,he just misunderstood me like the others and passed his judgement...
A numbness that had crept over me as though in preparation for his harsh words yesterday and yes I did lift my eyes to stare him straight in his mocking eyes ....but then tears began to flow not in a healing flood but a wild torrent of despair that had rented my body in two....!!
I couldnt sleep last night!!!!!!!

Thinking Beyond

"Mediocrity and anonymity are the safest choice".

 If you opt for them, you’ll never face any major problems in life. But if you try to be different,Hell breaks loose.and it is  relevant in every sphere of our Life
Seldom people dare to think beyond hence they accept and compromise but what if we donot compromise.

Infact we live in a traditional country which believes in being safe,playing safe be it the economy,be it the investments and be it the government,Well am not to keen to write about the socio economic culture about India neither do I have any grudges against my Government.Being an honest income tax payee citizen I do understand what are my rights and what are my duties .

But well nothing is relevant,it was just that I have a dream like many other people have.So there is no much difference yes the only twist is that I am currently not working anywhere ,yes its so wonderful finally to realise life doesnt revolve around outlook,organisers,spreadsheets and powerpoints.ATL,BTL,Even TTL are History now.
I am free to spend my night dreaming without thinking at the back of my mind what my next day meeting would go with so and so,without checking again and again that when the target will be achieved  .
Irrelevant targets and Irrelevant work,I actually felt as if I am just wasting my skills,my brains behind something which is anyways a piece of nonsense designed by some bored rich business man to fool the common man! Now I have nothing against my previous employers,its just that how relaxed I feel.How happy I am these days.
So what I get continous calls from way back home by my worried mother that what her daughter is doing..! Well to make her understand is something I cannot.
Finally having everything in place is a tough task but I know Now there has come a "Fullstop" stage in my life where I am slowly but steadily working towards my destination.
Thinking Beyond and ahead lies the path towards my dreams.

Anthem of Life

My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.” | Anthem

Its year 2013,a year which has its own importance acording to numerology and according to my Parents!
Yes I am still happily single but so it happened few of my cousins my school friends decided to get married in 2012 so am facing the aftermath! Like any other middle class Indian family I get calls on daily basis from my birth giving parents as to when ,when and when?
They dont know or may be perhaps they are trying to overlook that their eldest daughter is not going to give in ,well not give in at all to the social pressures or obligations whatsoever!
I am a strict believe and follower of the " I " ...And Thats how Ayn Rand in this post is relevant.
Whenever I get time to ponder ( time is a rare entity theses days,mumbai has this charm)or even think,analyse what am I doing......?
The Answer comes to me very easily I am just trying to be happy..
Its not that am daily circled with clouds of happiness,I have failures,I have tears,I have heart breaks ,I get stabbed in the back too! but at the end what matters is I am happy after resolving all the hither and dither little issues of my life :)
This year too,Anthem ...The Mantra for my Life remains focussed on just one word "Happiness"

Agle Janam Mohe Bitiya Na Kije!

I hear of  so many cases of female infanticides,foeticides  in news ,Well at  times I feel its valid.Yeah As I am writing this post,I am also figuring out where to head from here!
Being born a girl and that too in a middle class orthodox family of North India,Trust me is difficult,Especially when you struggle each time to prove that you are worth it! Alas,as world celebrates the ideals of Womenhood,More and more women venture out in this world and are creating a mark,On the other hand a lot many are sacrificing their dreams just because they want to be a good daughter.
This time I  too want to be a good daughter, I cannot go against my parents wishes and this time like a criminal who is convicted for treason I choose to be convicted because I was born a girl.
I never realised this could happen to me.I turned 26 this year and landed up a nice job where I am appreciated,where my team looks upto me ad above all I feel a value addition,Each day I feel more closer a step ahead from yesterday but Now what ? Its slipping away from me however desperately I try ,.......
All my Life trying to be a good responsible daughter all I did was neglect my dreams,sacrificed my choices chose a different way of life altogether.
Never even whispered in dreams that what my dreams actually were.......yeah When I wanted to dance,I chose to solve calculations,simply because if I qualify the prestigious IIT-JEE my Father would feel proud and then probably he would never even regret for not having a first born who is not a Son.With due Respect they love me a lot probably more than anybody else but Still the Social Stigma of just two daughters have bothered them a lot,I could always sense that particular thing and tried my hard to be the daughter who could be  a Son to them......
Now I failed........I refused to get married to the boy of their choice not once but Twice but still they have given me a third and last chance......It means I have no choice left.......
So My Life ends here ," I " in me is begging for mercy,Infact that wretched feeling of being defeated is so persistent.....
I donot even have time,Alls decided and finalised and I see my life ending before my very own eyes........Its not the first time that its happening there is a pattern in my life......
Each time and every time ...........I still remember how badly I wanted to run away from my engineering college and its terrible hostel but was not allowed,I still remember gulping down all those sleeping tablets just to avoid going back to my college ,how much I abhorred those data structures and C++/Java especially Mathematics ,those terrible meaningless lab classes where I always hated newton and Einstein .
Back to Square one ,the same options ,same obligations and same guilt of being born a daughter,The difference this time is however I survived my four years of useless education safely locking my dreams but now when I am actually living the life I always dreamt of ,I am on the verge of loosing it forever! Because this time its not a matter of 4 years of education Its My Life which is at stake.
I have always been a die hard romantic,a dreamer So Do I wait for the knight in shining armour to actually save me from this Peril....

Amor cuerdo, no es amor.

Amor cuerdo, no es amor. There is No  Sane Love......As Simple as that !
True A Love which has reasons cannot be termed as love..Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired ! But that doesnot mean  a bout of attraction or lust driven feelings could be called  as love.
Love is a feeling between two individuals ready to merge their identity and willing to accept each other as it is!
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards each other that grows with time....That raw passion and the naked desire that reflects in the  eyes........Yes I am talking about that crazy drugged feeling of being in Love..
A love which is madness ,A love which is  intense .....

"Love comes into your being like a tidal wave … sometimes it withdraws like a wave, till there isn’t such a thing as a pool left, and every bit of your heart is as dry as seaweed beyond the wave’s reach" —Phyllis Bottome

A love where a mere kiss wouldnot  just be  a kiss but would be  able to evoke a charged explosive elements within which neither the mind could recognise or analyse....And this crippling confusion of mind and body sending a strange quivering ache deep inside which has never been known before by just a simple act of lips touching each other is what I feel is  Love.......
Yes Embarking on a Journey in quest of love........
........................Nunc scio quid sit amor

Against the tide

So here I am back to square one...Same city  Same I ......Nothing changed..That dream of buying a Louis Vuitton or driving the Audi still remains the dream.I sound so materialistic ,agree I am but then who is not?
Its just that I atleast accept and the worse thing is that my happiness does depend on them,I am currently without any job and by my own choice,So that answers !
I might be materialist ,I might be somebody who prefer only Hidesign purses and Chanel perfume and wears only Zara/Gucci but when it comes to basic Moral I am proud that yet I have not killed it.

I am proud that I am able to walk out on a job that paid me well .....I am extremely proud that I refused to Give in....May be for others it would be a fool hardy decision when you have to got nobody who could support you..I am a risk taker and I am ready.
At this point of time deep down somewhere I have faith.I believe things will work out well,so what if I have to struggle.
I am a little afraid ,Somehow I feel all alone trying to figure out where Now!
Suddenly Life has started asking questions to me,Sitting on the rocks watching the tide smashing against those rocks I somehow feel the same......
So how does things shape up is a mystery......
Moving against Tide,Its my Journey.........which starts!