To Love or Not to Love

Beautiful things happen to beautiful people,this is what I believe.
In fact Life is all perfect when you are perfect.And How you can be perfect is when you find your perfectness epitomized in that one special person or when you meet your perfect partner!
This post is all about how that one person who walks into your life and you began to say...Before I met him ( phase) and after I met him (phase)!

There is a certain magic in the word love itself.Its one of the powerful dosage of feel good essence wherein you start believing in all those stories where there is always a happy end..
You get enthralled by the sheer presence of that person around you and intoxicated by a smile thats meant only for you.
When  feelings are reciprocated its one of those miraculous moments wherein you wonder yes this is why I was born! this is why I am here and this is how your angels have planned your life...Then we also realize that is why somethings didnot happen the way we had wanted them..

But before all these pretty things start to materialize there is a phase in between that is the acceptance phase wherein we even donot hesitate to convince ourself that whatever this is its not Love its just the hormones suffering from bout of Lust.Its just that too cute smile of his weaving the charm and its all restricted to jumping in the sack.
Then out of the blue,you realise not really there is also a good deal to talk to,to share with him,not just the stolen kisses,not just the lust driven feelings there is more to it!
Then the human tendency of denial,of running away and blocking also!!

Then after all the unfailed attempts you  have to accept ,It is love and nothing less than that!
but to reach to this stage there is an important bridge to burn which to Love or To Not........

Nuit Blanche

Life is turning out well for everyone ,my family is happy,friends all married and well settled,few others already planning their first child and yes joy and happiness all around!

While I am still figuring out here,sitting by the window,laptop on my lap ,gazing up through the lacy veil of leaves overhead,still thinking,and also trying to analyze the source of my growing discontentment.

May be I am a born crusader,a real do gooder and a sucker for people in trouble.somehow my life centers around people who need me, I have realized that I want to be needed.I always want to be a value add but then that results in upheaval always!

The thought of resigning from the present job,of going away and leaving everything behind,relocating perhaps to a different country is just too hard to contemplate!

 I am waiting.Something I can sense is going to happen,something that will bring situation to a head,force me to take action and remove the decision from my hand!

I know  I am just misunderstanding people around ,may be its just me  being tormented by old familiar weakness.Weakness to love and trust people.May be my craving to be the strong and giving partner in any relationship could really explain that why I end up the one whose always let down by others!

It’s a strange mixture of apprehension and relief!

But then as I remember his face,his presence ,his dark devilish charms,the so handsome and arrogant and aristocratic finely sculpted features ,his powerful body and brilliant fire of intelligence in his eyes……..I almost feel a helpless over powering surge of physical  warmth and desire that flows like rich liquid fire through my whole body  leaving me feeling limp and shaky..And then as usual the initial shock of desire is followed by a melancholy stab of emptiness  and sadness and a vast ,painful yearning!

“How I wish……….”,I sigh and gaze down still struggling to collect my thoughts…And as Always my mind stops here  because I never allow myself to pursure the thought and actually find out what I wish for.I have realized I am afraid to know,But today may be because its Diwali and the whole Mumbai is celebrating..and I am tired and sad..I just returned from Diwali dinner ,may be I am no longer able to hold my emotions at bay and the truth is surging into my mind with ruthless clarity!

Shame and self loathing that’s how I feel,and yes its agonizing how can I even think like that…Its midnight ,I take a deep breath and now I click to publish!

I would share this link with him as well,I want him to read,I want him to know how rejections hurt leaving you with nothing but pain..a pain which is not physical ! and how one just wants to escape into that merciful cloud of oblivion….

There is an emotion within myself that threatens to sweep me away into a deep sad ocean of misery .I feel hopless and terribly alone unable to understand that being a healer myself why am I not able to control my thoughts!

Was he right? Were my gestures over limit,overwhelming ? Did I misread the behavior? Is it my fault?

Questions are endless..Answers none!

Fighting with the miserable array of my weary thoughts ,I need to shut down the laptop,change from Saree to night dress and switch off the light .In the lonely silence of the house where I live I realize it’s almost 1 am! Time to stop …………….and yes I agree "L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux........."

                                 Il n'est rien de réel que le rêve et l'amour.

Nine yards! # Saree

I exclaim in delight ! I feel like a nine year old again getting the favorite doll house as a gift!
As I browse online through various websites,online shopping destinations now even featuring saree,I am just in awe!
Yes I love the nine yards cloth which could be draped over the body in various shapes and styles!
I am talking about my love for  the mesmerizing  Saree as it is popularly called.It is one of the favorite experiments by almost all the Indian Fashion designers encashing on the concept of designer saree.
For me I always have been very fond of sarees,various textures,several different ways and multiple fabric!
Saree has always remained close to my heart and I have chosen to wear it in almost every important days of my Life.
Though pleasure of wearing Saree to work is still a distant dream,my office doesnt allow,well their office culture is a little too different but who cares!
Somehow in last 3 months i have succeeded in wearing Sarees to office functions!
First time I was a little hesitant as to which Saree to choose,Then I went for the safer piece.Yes When in doubt about the occasion and choice of dress,go for safer colors such as light shades or white! White georgette,pure chiffon or silk with a dark border.I opted for a dark maroon pearl lined border with white net Saree! Simple yet classy goes well with any social function..With a pearl necklace and pearl ring Simple yet appealing ,one is able to carry it well also.

White Net with pearl border

Saree signifies the grace of Indian Woman especially highlighting her curves and also adequately displaying the curves at right places.

If I trace the history of saree its all starts with Indus Valley civilization wherin in one of the statue the priest has clothe draped.

Now Saree has evolved to multiple types which varies as the region.India being a multi lingual,multi cultural place,even the style of the sarees differ.While in Maharashtra its Kastha ,in Andhra pradesh it is Nivi!

There are infact more than Eighty ways to drape a Saree.

While mostly we working class females prefer to drape saree around the waist with the loose end of the drape to be worn on the shoulder barring the midriff.

Most common way

Then there are regional style which is also known as Gujarati/Rajasthani style wherin after tucking the pleats the loose end of the drape is taken from the back

Gujarati Style

I still am left to try Malayali or  the two-piece sari, or Mundum Neryathum,  which is worn in Kerala.Perhaps my next visit to South India will lead to me to explore Kerala a bit!

And I am also to wear Kastha on the next Ganesh Chaturthi,Its one of those Maharsthrian style wherein you automatically feel like shaking your hips to Lavani! May be Dance is all I can think of each time I see ladies wearing Kastha!

Tipsy and Turvy # Dream

She gasped with pleasure and rising excitement as her body pressed  against his and felt his muscular arms close silently around her.His lips roamed over her face and his hands caressed her body,rough and demanding ….She was lying just beside him but shivering ,yes shivering in delight her mind still was unable to comprehend least figure out what was all this,perhaps this too is a dream like the numerous other she keeps on having..but she could feel him,his hard,firm body and matted hairy chest against her bare skin…and just when she thought she needs to wake up,he began to kiss her,his mouth as rough and demanding as his hands and she sighed……..

She surrendered !She was loving the feel of his lips,of the harshness and masculinity of his caress! Abrupt with need their bodies were locked together.She felt cherished,enriched,beautiful,She drifted on a wide,warm sea of eroticism and fulfillment,moaning softly with pleasure.

A rising crescendo of feeling  had surged through her ,mounting on waves of ecstasy which were almost unbearable and her heart beating had a relentless,irresistible rhythm.She was limp but flooded with deep joy…

She was drifting far away off among distant realms….the air was warm and fragrant and yes the soft music rippled wherein her face and body were touched by celestial breeze!

She knew that this was beyong her imagination,It is real,It couldn’t be just a dream.The intensity of pleasure and desire and richness of fulfillment  far surpassed anything.

Her mind and her heart refused to accept that this is a dream!

She didn’t mind closing her eyes forever,she did not want to open her eyes…….No she wont ,This has to be real and  it couldnt be just a figment of her imagination………..