Life is turning out well for everyone ,my family is happy,friends all married and well settled,few others already planning their first child and yes joy and happiness all around!
While I am still figuring out here,sitting by the window,laptop on my lap ,gazing up through the lacy veil of leaves overhead,still thinking,and also trying to analyze the source of my growing discontentment.
May be I am a born crusader,a real do gooder and a sucker for people in trouble.somehow my life centers around people who need me, I have realized that I want to be needed.I always want to be a value add but then that results in upheaval always!
The thought of resigning from the present job,of going away and leaving everything behind,relocating perhaps to a different country is just too hard to contemplate!
I am waiting.Something I can sense is going to happen,something that will bring situation to a head,force me to take action and remove the decision from my hand!
I know I am just misunderstanding people around ,may be its just me being tormented by old familiar weakness.Weakness to love and trust people.May be my craving to be the strong and giving partner in any relationship could really explain that why I end up the one whose always let down by others!
It’s a strange mixture of apprehension and relief!
But then as I remember his face,his presence ,his dark devilish charms,the so handsome and arrogant and aristocratic finely sculpted features ,his powerful body and brilliant fire of intelligence in his eyes……..I almost feel a helpless over powering surge of physical warmth and desire that flows like rich liquid fire through my whole body leaving me feeling limp and shaky..And then as usual the initial shock of desire is followed by a melancholy stab of emptiness and sadness and a vast ,painful yearning!
“How I wish……….”,I sigh and gaze down still struggling to collect my thoughts…And as Always my mind stops here because I never allow myself to pursure the thought and actually find out what I wish for.I have realized I am afraid to know,But today may be because its Diwali and the whole Mumbai is celebrating..and I am tired and sad..I just returned from Diwali dinner ,may be I am no longer able to hold my emotions at bay and the truth is surging into my mind with ruthless clarity!
Shame and self loathing that’s how I feel,and yes its agonizing how can I even think like that…Its midnight ,I take a deep breath and now I click to publish!
I would share this link with him as well,I want him to read,I want him to know how rejections hurt leaving you with nothing but pain..a pain which is not physical ! and how one just wants to escape into that merciful cloud of oblivion….
There is an emotion within myself that threatens to sweep me away into a deep sad ocean of misery .I feel hopless and terribly alone unable to understand that being a healer myself why am I not able to control my thoughts!
Was he right? Were my gestures over limit,overwhelming ? Did I misread the behavior? Is it my fault?
Questions are endless..Answers none!
Fighting with the miserable array of my weary thoughts ,I need to shut down the laptop,change from Saree to night dress and switch off the light .In the lonely silence of the house where I live I realize it’s almost 1 am! Time to stop …………….and yes I agree "L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux........."
Il n'est rien de réel que le rêve et l'amour.
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